I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
