I feel great
I just peed on a car
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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