I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
