can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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