you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i think i have two assholes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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