I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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