My sheets look like a crime scene.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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