Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
