I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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