when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
