today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
