Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
4 words: hood of his car
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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