gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
