i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
