Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
