im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
