turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
