I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
