Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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