Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
