so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
