No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
