Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
