btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
