i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I FOUND THE LEGS
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
