My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
