You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
