Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
