my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
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I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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