I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
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He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
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Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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