I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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