All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
