I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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