I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
