My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
