dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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