i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
