oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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