What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
