u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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