I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
