whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
