All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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