This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
