You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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