he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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