girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
sex in a hospital.. check
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
