im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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