Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
