i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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