I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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