meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
