I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
