around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
