I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
