I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
