i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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