Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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