remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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