my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
3pm strippers are depressing
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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