He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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