We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
