I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
