I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
