Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
