so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
