ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
