I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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